Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
