I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
