the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
