All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
