my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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