How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
