I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Randomize
