Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm too high and old for this...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
