nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
