Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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