You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize