He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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