No stitches, just platelets and will power
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
