woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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