We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
