I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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