Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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