I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
