I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
