they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She even gives head with a lisp.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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