I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
