im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
