dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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