Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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