At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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