His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
