Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
