Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
