my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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