smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize