I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
