I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
