I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
