Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Help. Why am I so naked?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
