all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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