textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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