Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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