dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
