Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
