I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
