Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
its liver damage thursday
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
