how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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