Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
