my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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