its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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