somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
