Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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