Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
