she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
