At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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