Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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