The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
