Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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