Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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