I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
