dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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