I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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