Redeem this text for a blowjob
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dicks are not precious.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
