the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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