He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
