I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize