Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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