I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
