Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Let's get the cat blown out
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
